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Long accustomed to homeowners telling us about their mole frustrations, a few years ago we decided to create a forum for people to vent. Hence, the “I Hate Moles Because…” contest was born. Designed to ferret out the most aggravating mole stories and the most creative solutions for getting rid of the pesky critters, it seems to have worked. Three years later, thousands of people across American have penned their “mole woe” stories, and we are delighted to announce the winners of our 3rd annual “I Hate Moles Because…” contest. Our grand prize winner will receive a $500 gift certificate and ten other lucky winners will receive a gift basket stuffed with enough Sweeney's supplies to help win their war on moles!


GRAND PRIZE WINNER:

2011 Grand Prize Winner

The Drama of Mole Holes

Submitted by: Rachael

Because of the holes
They dig in my beautiful yard

Please go away!
And yet, they stay
It just shouldn't be this hard

They dig and they dig
Giant holes - so big
Can somebody help me, please?

I'm sick of the moles
And the horrible holes
My yard looks like Swiss cheese!


Runner-Ups

A Mole is a Mole

Submitted by: Odessa

Everyday, another hole,
You dig in my backyard.
I thought you were cute,
That point is now mute,
My life you make so hard
My kids can't run,
They have no fun,
playing on our lawn,
They'd break a leg,
Yet still they beg,
Everyday it starts at dawn
Please go away,
You just can't stay,
I can't take another day!!
You've wrecked the ground,
I don't want you around!
There is nothing else to say!

My Ugly Acre

Submitted by: Ralph

Leaving crooked mounded furrows
Which now uglify my acre.

I'm normally not viscious
But now my deepest wish is
To send them to their maker!

The Mole Truth and Nothing but the Truth

Submitted by: Gina

The grungy little monster was snared from his hole
He was appointed a lawyer and his story was told,
His defense for all the destruction he caused was weak
And his appointed legal counsel was a grungy sneak,
The jury had heard enough, they hated moles too
I testified for the prosecution about the damage moles do,
I said the mole killed my plants by gnawing on the roots
I concluded that's "The mole truth and nothing but the truth,"
The moral of the story is that fury little lies
Convicted this hated mole and resulted in his demise.

Moles in those Holes!

Submitted by: Steve

When they first appeared on the block they weren't mine
But soon they invaded and crossed my property line.
These tunneling vermin would not yield
The neighbor's curse was upon me and the yard our battlefield.

At first I explained those embarrassing tunnels away
"It's a Grass Aeration system " I'd often say.
But when you take a step and trip or fall
I had to bring out the big guns with a plan to use them all.

But before I could muster my offensive team
The Moles had consumed my flower beds clean.
The hastas were all leaves without any roots
Perennials became annuals and my garden produced no fruits.

So out came the piercing traps and chemicals for application
No mercy would I show since they were the invading nation.
All my tactics were sadly without effect and their numbers grew each day
The traps went unsprung and the chemicals washed away.
After weeks of efforts I admitted I'd been beaten by the Moles
I hooked up the ventilator and delivered cool air down their holes.

So now we live together without attack or retreat
No use fighting an underground adversary that cannot be beat.
I get the house and Moles get the yard, and I've got a major move at hand
That to the Desert Southwest with a yard of only cactus, rocks, and sand.

Babysitting the mole

Submitted by: P.J.

When my son was 4 he found a mole in the back yard, I tried to get him to give it up but he sat back there all evening on the deck steps holding the mole and petting it. He wouldnt even come in for supper. I ask him why dont you give him to me and Ill put him back in the yard..(not) he said, because he needs his mommy and Im keeping him calm till she gets back. Humm.

Moles Dig Holes

Submitted by: Alexandra (age 9) & Robert (age 7)

Moles dig holes
and so do voles
they're very deep
so deep I can't sleep
curse moles and voles

they're super fast
theyll run right past
the kitty start to yowl
the dog lets out a howl
the dog doesn't bother
they're too fast even for father

Eww...they are ugly and in MY lawn!!

Submitted by: Beth

I have had my house since 2003 and every year I see the ugly, raised dead grass trails at the back of my big yard. My boyfriend said "oh, bummer, you have moles." I said "Eww...what are moles?" Ugly gray things with no eyes and big paddle like front feet for underground swimming. Totally gross!!
We bought some of those death pellets, stamped down the tunnels and waited.
Next day, BUMMER! More tunnels! This went on for about 2 weeks until I was ready to bomb my entire yard! My boyfriend decided to sneak up on the mole while it was exploring. He would see it moving and really quick dig right there. Over and over again. Didn't work so well. The slippery sucker escaped back into his tunnel every time. After about 7 hours of sweat, boredom and lots of really bad words, we tagged teamed with a new plan. We sat quietly in lawn chairs right by the tunnel, he with a long handled sharp spade and me, with a sidewalk ice chopper. When we finally saw the movement again, we sprang out of our chairs and I rammed the ice chopper into the ground BEHIND it and he flipped up the ground and we got it! I don't know what he did with it, well..I do, but I won't share that. Unfortunately, that was such a long and frustrating experience, we have never caught or killed another. Year after year they are here ruining my lawn and their tunnels just get stamped down. Moles annoy the crap out of me, but I haven't found an easy way to make them "disappear".

I've Been Vole-ated

Submitted by: Cecelia

I hate all things mole
and their cousins, the vole
It's a shame they're not edible
or it'd be altogether credible
I'd be makin' a stew or a mole'

I hate moles, and their close cousins,the voles
They've chewed my garden plumb full of holes

Do you remember cartoon tv-
how they played the role of heavy?
Trundling under tender plants
creeping along with grubs and ants-
why, they'd pull the plant under,
the whole thing,rent asunder
yanked into the dirt as mole or vole plunder

Last year, stretching my budget, I spent sixty dollars
on green beans, tomatoes, chard:
on squash and on collards
Towards morning, next day, a mere ten plants survived
and by the next day, there lived only five.

Disappeared, as I say, whole: intact.
In a fortnight, my garden was under attack
I tried to stop them-I couldn't-
I can't!
Despite my vole rant, I was down to one plant
I tore my hair, I raged and I cursed
In destruction the vole is horribly versed.

I walked the garden by moonlight wearing spiked cleats and flashlight
Buried a boxfull of stinking, reeking mothballs
Sought to drunk voles with big tins of highballs
(Better known by some as beer-in-a-can)
Yet the voles-not a single one-ran

I chewed up a full case of flav-o-fruit gum,
stuck it in vole holes, feeling quite glum

My successes weren't dwindling-
in fact, I had none
I was cheated and robbed,
my garden efforts undone

Again I bought plants-a little bit bigger, a little bit hardier,
I fed endless new plants into the voles'
kitchen lardier

Voles have eaten all the lettuce, they've eaten all the broccoli,
Slimed up the rest,and
left it quite hoccoli

I'm all for world peace,I'm all for
detante'
but-cede the voles my garden?
I mustn't-I can't!
I'm surely a peacenik, gentle and calm
but I'm currently seeking a
mole-and-vole bomb!

Yard of the Month

Submitted by: Marsha

...their invasive terroristic approach to lawn dominance has robbed me of the possibility of proudly displaying a "Yard of the Month" sign in my neighborhood. I am engaged in combat against a subterranean enemy. I have declared war without waiting for congressional sanctions against an unseen antagonist. Before my house sinks into the caverns of this foe, I'm determined to win the battles and the war.

10 Year Plus Battle

Submitted by: Robert

I have been battling the vermin for the 10 years plus I have been in my house.They have been tearing my lawn to shreds,I have tried the smoke bombs,the poison worms,different varieties of spring traps,flooding the holes,and even sat over a fresh hole,in a chair for hours,holding a 22 pistol.The pistol method works but its hard to do in the front yard,unless you want a visit from "the man". just last week has been the worst mole trouble yet.A mole popped up next to my dogs fenced in dog run,in my wife's carefully planted area next to the fence,that had beautiful 3 year old flowering Clematis vines,my dog killed the mole,then the vines,my wife was in tears and wanted to take the dog back to the dog rescue that day,then my daughter was in tears. We still have the dog and the moles.