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Mounds of Misery

Written by: Rachelle

Oh woe is me, these moles I can't see
Leaving behind mounds of misery!
I poke, I dig, I holler each day
But nothing I do makes them go away.
Friends continue to give me advice
Try bubble gum, deadly worms or rice.
However, the best exterminator that I found
Was the flood that brought them up from the ground.
Since I don't want a flood every day
I guess I need to find a better way!

Grossed Out

Written by: Pat

About 15 years ago my girlfriend came over for coffee and girl talk. As she was leaving I walked her out and intending to do some work in my flower bed I took the scissors with me to nip off dead rose buds. As we were finishing our conversation she followed me to the flower bed and I turned on the hose to water while I was nipping my rose bushes. When I laid the hose down in the bed the dirt started popping up and running a trail like you would see in the movies, it really scared me, and I was actually thinking SNAKE. I started screaming GET IT, GET IT! She was just standing there with a blank look on her face and suddenly grabbed the scissors and stabbed at the trail, when she pulled the scissors out this mole the size of a large rat was skewered on it. She looked at me and said now what do I do with it? We just stood there looking at this thing on the scissors totally grossed out. Being women neither one of us can believe to this day that she stabbed it. It was just an instant reaction, it all happened in a matter of seconds! I never even saw a mole before this and needless to say neither one of us stab at dirt popping up anymore.

Extreme Measures

Written by: Kathy

I decided to sell cut flowers on a piece of property where I sell farm produce. I planted 1000 flower bulbs on a lot I own. The first year was very productive. The second year only a few flowers: I was out of business. The diagnosis was moles. I solved my mole problem without touching the moles. I had 10, yes, 10 truckloads of dirt dumped and leveled. I raised the lot five feet and had a built-in pool installed surrounded by a concert patio and river rock.

The Mole Whisperer

Written by: Susan Vega

We retired from the north and moved to beautiful South Carolina...aaahhhhh, no more winters. We have a beautiful garden and our grass was the envy of many...until the "moles" arrived. We had no clue what a mole was until our neighbor told us about them. After extensive research, my husband tried various tactics but none worked. At his wits end, he found a website under Clemson University which told him about a sure-fire way, however, it was kind of morbid...my husbands eyes beamed as he purchased 6 of these metal guillotine devises. He surveyed the tunnels to find the active ones...first stomping on the tunnels and then checking in the morning which ones popped up again. He than erected the devices. After a few days, he dug up his first mole. Others followed and soon he had "exterminated" 5 moles...we have picture's to prove it...my husband is now called "The Mole Whisperer" in our community.

Patience Pays Off

Written by: Pam

One morning last summer, I heard my hubby go out to the garage, and pop up the garage door to survey his kingdom. We live on an acre of land, just outside the city limits. Been here for 37 years. You have to understand how he cleared the woods to make room for our home, which he built with his own hands, and the yard work is done with love, twice a week, if it is called for. To have those blasted moles tunnel all over his yard is more than frustrating! "Bring me the pitch fork,” I heard him yell. I ran with the tool as quickly as I could. I went about my schedule inside, and later looked out the window---there he was, poised, straddling the tunnel, with the pitch fork held about knee high. I checked again, as it had now progressed to lunch time. "Are you coming in to eat?" I yelled. "No, just bring me a cold drink of water,” he answered back. The sweat was beginning to trickle down his forehead. For nearly two hours he and the mole held their positions. It was almost as if the mole knew that if he moved one muscle, his position would be revealed, and his death was certainty. While watching General Hospital in the cool air conditioning, I heard a rap at the sliding door. There he stood with the mole on the end of the pitch fork. "I'll have my lunch now!!!" he said.

Mal Content

Written by: Marie

I hate moles because . .. moles don't know their place, which is definitely NIMBY ("not in my backyard"). In the right place, these persistent, tunneling machines can be of use. Witness the following verse:

Mal Content
 
Mal, the West Virginia mole
Thought gardeners' efforts droll,
But with Sweeney's on guard,
Mal fled the backyard
And switched to mining coal!

Googling

Written by: Rose

Last summer, enormous "anthills" and gullies suddenly sprouted up all over our yard. I stared in horrified bewilderment at the destruction. Had our house been built over an old Indian graveyard? Were we being invaded by (gasp) poltergeists?

A neighbor enlightened me. "You have moles,” she said.

According to Google, it's devilishly difficult to capture moles. Google is right. The only tried and true method to capture moles is the use of traps that crush, strangle or stab.

Fortunately for "molekind," I don't have the stomach for violence. Moles are simply doing what moles do - chomping grubs and earthworms as they tunnel merrily along. As my daughter put it, "Mom, what if some mean person set up a big trap for you on your way to McDonald's for your iced coffee?" Yikes!

Flush 'em out

Through persistence, I did find a way - though not foolproof - to catch moles. I flood the little buggers out with five-gallon buckets filled with a mix of water and suds. If the mole is in the neighborhood, it will emerge from the nearest burrow, waterlogged, bedraggled and confused, but alive.

I captured the first mole in a towel. Mole No. 2 caught me unprepared, and I was forced to pick the voracious little monster up by its bare tail. Talk about adrenaline rushes! At that moment, I had a very good idea of what made the late Steve Irwin tick.

Before this, I had never - in all of my years - seen a mole. With their expressive pink snouts and Mickey Mouse paws, moles are undeniably charming. Some folks think they resemble rats, but I disagree. The "ick" factor simply isn't there.

Our moles had a happy ending. We dropped them off at the nearest forested area (with permission), where they can burrow to their hearts' content. We still have one more mole that's playing hard to get. Ah, well, we may just leave it be. Google says that moles cut down on the grub population and aerate the lawn.

Google is always right.

Mole in One

Written by: George

After spending 32 years in maximum security prisons, (Oh yeah – working, not incarcerated), I retired in 2003. Since then, if I’m not on the golf course, in a tree stand or napping, I can be found working on my lawn and landscaping. Perhaps I spend too much time on my lawn, as my wife and neighbors now refer to me as the “Lawn Rancher.”

My lawn and I have a special bond, thus, in reverse order our dislikes are: children with their bikes and electrical cars, reckless snowplow operators, crabgrass and last but not least the dreaded MOLE.

I have spent countless hours and dollars in my quest to put “the mole” on the endangered species list. I believe I have used every device, potion and home remedy, known to man, in my war on moles.

A few years ago after having set my mole traps, baited the tunnels and activated my sonic devices, my eight year old son and I were on the back lawn hitting plastic golf balls with a pitching wedge. Needless to say we were hitting off a mat – God forbid a divot! In any event, one of my lethal mole devices must have worked because our pet dog chased a mole right by us. With my trusty pitching wedge I took a might swing at the critter as he ran by. Being the low handicapper I am, my aim was true and Mr. Mole met his demise. My youn son then said, “Hey dad, you got a MOLE in ONE!!

Since that time my “mole wedge” is close at hand when I am working on the lawn. I have discovered, however, that a MOLE in ONE is as rare as a HOLE in ONE>

To this day, my traps are set, which causes my lawn to look like a mini oil field, bait is in place and sonic waves are activated, but Mr. Mole is still winning.

My only hope is the lawn gods shine down upon me sending a vision, perhaps through some nice Irish Company or even the folks from Titleist!!

My “I Hate Moles” Poem

Written by: Eunice

They may be husband and wife,
I hate to take one’s little life.
I guess they have babies too,
Like the old woman in the shoe.

They like to eat our worms and grubs,
Then they start in our shrubs,
I wish I could send these lads and lasses
To some mole obedience classes.

They make all those little runs,
They must think it’s a lot of fun
Always hiding from the sun.
Someday I’ll catch you, you little bum.

They make all those little hills
Which give me the willies and the chills.
I hope I can catch those little devils, So I can get my yard back level.

I don’t know what I’m going to do,
But I do know that I’m smarter than you.
But just you wait and see,
I will catch you under the pine tree.

I have bee so very bitter,
I have even used USED cat litter.
You just backed up the other way
And came right back another day.

I know that you are soft and cute,
But why be such a little brute –
Tear up my yard, you little brat –
You are worse than an ornery rat.

There you go, you little beast,
Always looking for a feast,
I’m going to write to “Dear Abby” –
See it it’s OK to feed you to my tabby.

I guess you think that I’m a fool
Always trying to keep my cool,
Running around all day long,
Singing the old mole song.

I’ve tried Double Bubble and Juicy Fruit gum,
And I’ve never tried the old shotgun –
But if I ever do-
It will be goodbye, little you.
I’ll bury you in my flower bed-
For that’s the day I’ll know you’re DEAD.

Holy Moly Intervention

Written by: Jennifer

I hate moles because they steal! When we moved into our house 4 years ago we were welcomed by a family of moles! We tried many exterminator companies only to have the moles move back and forth between our house and our next door neighbors!

Finally, we ordered a stake that you pound into the ground. The stake beeps every few seconds. At last something that worked. Even our neighbor went out and bought one. Yeah, no more moles and beautiful grass again!

Two years went by and still no moles and still beautiful grass! It was perfect timing to put our house up for sale. Four months passed and no offers so we decided to call upon a little divine intervention by purchasing a St. Joseph Statue. This is a practice that dates back hundreds of years. After the burial ceremony by my two kids and me, we waited and waited! Another four months went by and no offers just the return of the moles (reminder it is important to keep fresh batteries in your stake)!

Needless to say we took the house off the market. Out of respect for St. Joseph, we decided to excavate him. The kids and I dug and dug and dug but no sign of St. Joseph. To this day we are all convinced that this is the reason our house did not sell. We are also all convinced that somewhere out there is a mole family that has a prized possession in their den!